The Ramble

I sit here in my room listening to the tunes of Shalamar's "A Night to Remember", this surely doesn't feel like one, but dammit if this song isn't pretty badass! Its been a bit sit I've spit an update to everyone who ponders over to my writings. Thanks, btw.

About a month back I hit an impass, fork in the road; you get my point. I went and visited my alma mater, Flashpoint Academy. That sounds cool to be able to say that. Anyway a few of my buddies are working there now in the equipment room, so I thought a visit might be in order. While I was there I came to the realization of how much I actually missed that place. More so the feeling of having a purpose, having to rewrite a script, produce a short, do a shot list. I even miss being mad! In a good way, I'll be honest I'm a bit of a modern revolutionary, gonna speak what I know and what I think is right wether you like it or not. But anyway I went home that night and just felt like I wasted my whole summer, which realistically I didn't because I had written about 5 short films and had started ideas on 1 or 2 feature scripts that are just in the early stages. But I went home and just felt like asking myself "are you doing the right thing?" I mean it sucked having to ask myself that. One of my friends had just gotten an awesome new job within his field and I was incredibly happy for him, but at the same time I couldn't help but not care at all for his happiness.

Its like if your girl just broke up with you and one of your friends comes up and is like "Hey man I asked my girl to marry me, we are gonna be so happy!" Your happy for him, but at the same time you just don't care cause you got dumped. Feel me?

Tonight, again I'm having a few of those feelings. Right now I'm wondering if I can survive in my own career. "I know I can, I have to!" Its really what I love. I love movies! But like everyone said it is going to be hard. I miss having that creative group around me that just fed my wit, my creativity and my drive. I feel like you really do need creative people around you, to feed you. I mean its definitely what feeds me. It just gives you that extra push to do things and get projects going.

I have a few freelance jobs right now, which are getting me by. But I don't wanna do this forever! I don't wanna just be stuck in a rut! And I find myself feeling that way, like I can't breathe. I did have one of my freelance bosses tell me about visiting a tv station for which we are doing a demo reel to and he explained to me that the set up there at the production house is an "editor's dream" Right then and there I was just like "ahhhhh SHIT!" Like a coward I guess I wanted out, right then and there. It was just like I couldn't handle being an editor. I mean I can, but for someone to just know that's the only thing you can do and nothing else is hard because I know I can do so much more than just edit. This is nothing on the employer but it was just thoughts running through my head. Panic, to say the least. By the way I love editors they are the greatest people ever! :) Its just hard to be doing something that you didn't set out to be your primary focus, in the beginning.

I just need someone to baby me and tell me its gonna be ok. Now if your still with me and your an artist of some sort I'm sure you know what I'm talking about and for lack of explaining, its just something that I felt the need to write about and get off my chest. Its like you have to allow yourself to just "get down" sometimes, just so you can get it out of your system and say "ok, its done, you did it, you complained, yes the world isn't fair, but don't be a little bitch either about it!"